26 September, 2013

Heart Of Worship

"The Heart Of Worship"

When the music fades
and all has slipped away
and I simply come.
Longing just to be
something that's of worth
that will bless Your heart.

I'll bring You more than a song,
for a song in itself
is not what You have required.
You search much deeper within,
through the way things appear,
Your looking into my heart.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
and its all about You, its all about You, Jesus.
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
when its all about You, its all about You, Jesus.

King of endless worth,
no one could express
how much you deserve.
Though I'm weak and poor,
all I have is Yours,
every single breath!

I'll bring You more than a song,
for a song in itself
is not what You have required.
You search much deeper within,
through the way things appear,
Your looking into my heart.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
and its all about You, its all about You, Jesus.
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
when its all about You, its all about You, Jesus.
(Matt Redman)

"I'm sorry" if this blog has turned way too "spiritual" for any of you recently, but I can no longer live by what I want for my life.
It's got to be about Him and Him only.
It's all I've got right now.
All the other garbage has got to be cleared out in order for me to function.

12 September, 2013

That's what the storm is all about.

I have been struggling a lot this last week.
I am not doing a great job of listening to my own advice and I'm letting our circumstances weigh me down.
I also have a new respect for people who deal with chronic pain and yet are always positive and encouraging. I don't know how they do it, even when they have the constant reminder of pain.

Maybe I'm just a wuss...

Anyway, I don't need to go into all the whiny details again, because most of it is stuff I've shared before, but this past Tuesday was a super tough day. We had just gotten some more bad news, the pain in my leg and foot were almost unbearable, and I was extremely depressed and discouraged.
I tried not to let anyone in the public world know, but then out of the blue, a dear friend from our time in South Carolina, just randomly posted this on my wall:

I broke down and we messaged back and forth for a bit.

She hadn't known that I was struggling majorly that day, but God knew and He put it on her heart to share this, and a few other things with me, at that exact moment.

God knows...

I've spent the last 2 days, (and nights,) in a constant battle of giving it all to God, only to take it back again when the worry anxiety, depression, anger and so much more slowly crept back in.

And then repeat.

Satan is trying so hard to win this battle and is trying desperately to win battles in so many of my friend's lives, but he will not.

 And even though it might be a really long and hard battle;

I know what's in store when the storm's over....

Note: If you are nosy like me, and would like detailed info on what to pray about, feel free to email me. It's just not all stuff I want to share publicly...

11 September, 2013

It takes three

9 years ago today; I woke up, waited for my "not really" fiance to get off is night shift for a tow company, and then went to a Marine Corps recruit moto day with him.

Why am I telling you this?
Why did he get permission to let me come on his moto day?

Because it was the day we chose to get married, the Marine Corps was already controlling our lives, and he hadn't even gone to boot camp.
My plans to get married at a certain time of day were thrown out the window and we told the small group of family and friends that we invited to our wedding, that we had no idea when we'd be back and to be ready to start the ceremony whenever we got back.

Yes that was our day.

And no it hasn't been roses and smooth sailing ever since. (No matter what people think.)

We fight.
About money.
About my control issues.
About his bad habits.
About how we deal with the kids.
About helping around the house.
About extended family.

I have cried my eyes out, he has walked away and we've both slammed doors, (ok maybe I mostly have done the door slamming.)

But you know what?
He isn't perfect
and I am not either.

Marriage teaches us about our relationship with God.
It's the closest example there is.

About how we constantly have to ask forgiveness and get on our knees in prayer.

It's hard.
But so is life.

And parenting.
And trust
And dying of self.

And that's IT right there.
Dying of self. (There are those words again, they keep finding their way into my posts.)
How often do we do that?

This post is not suppose to be a downer,
it's suppose to be real.

How, in my opinion, every anniversary needs to be celebrated fully and treated as another reminder about what marriage is all about.

And the good news is,
I love him more now than I ever did before.
Which means I wouldn't trade all those tough times.

So Happy 9th Anniversary Mr R.
I wouldn't have it any other way!

05 September, 2013

A is for Apple

Age: 5
Favorite color: pink & purple
Favorite food: crackers (I have no idea why she said that.)

Favorite thing to do: color
Favorite subject: ABC's
Favorite movie: Peter Pan
Favorite thing about the first day: recess (yes, she is our child.)

I had a perfect spot picked out for 1st day of school pictures this morning and then about 15 minutes before it was time, we had rain and a thunderstorm come through. Oh well, at least we got some pictures.

Have a blast baby girl!!

04 September, 2013


Before I get on to my post, I want to thank each and every one of you that reached out after my last post.
I contemplated not sharing it, but I knew I had to.
It was more of a journal entry than a post to share with others.
I know some could take it the wrong way, but I needed to write it out.

I did NOT write it at the lowest point,
I wrote it after I had picked myself back up and had "sucked it up."

You see, so many people have this misconception, that because you are a Christian, everything is going to go your way. They take verses about God giving you the desires of your heart and they think that as long as they are saved, a "good" person and follow the Biblical rules, God's answer is always going to be in their favor.
"Well we prayed about it, so that must mean it's going to work out."
"Well we obeyed the Bible, never got in trouble in life, so God will grant us what we want."
"Well I prayed and believed so God will heal me."

Tell that to the family who just had to bury their young child taken so soon.
Did that mean they didn't pray hard enough?

Tell that to the young wife and mother who just found out she is dying of cancer.
Does that mean she didn't pray and believe hard enough?

All He wants is us focused on Him.
Dying of self.
Reaching others.

And if that means pain, heartache, low points and changing our dreams and desires to align with His, well than He is going to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

And as odd as all of that sounds,
It gives me hope.
It gives me hope that for every painful, heartbreaking, "why God" moment,
I am that much closer to being molded into the Christ follower He wants me to be.

And so I will suck it up.
I will pick myself back up.
I will persevere.
I will keep running. {And I don't even like to run.}

Because the prize is coming.
Just not when I want it and better than what I expected.

Hebrews 12:1-2

01 September, 2013

Sometimes you just have to suck it up.

Sometimes the good ones finish last.
Sometimes you just can't fix it.
Sometimes there is no point to something you go through, you just have to go through it.

Sometimes life just doesn't work or go any direction you want.
Sometimes even when you think you've reached all the low points you can handle, another one comes through and knocks you off your feet.

Sometimes you won't be saved in the nick of time.
Sometimes it just hurts to breath.
Sometimes the bad dream becomes a reality.

Sometimes the pain just won't go away.

Sometimes you just won't get better because the insurance didn't kick in in time.
Sometimes the person you love more than anyone in the entire world, hurts you more than you can imagine.

And Sometimes you just have to suck it up.


Dying of self.
Living for Him.


6 months ago today we left California.
There is no way in a million years someone could have told me it would be like this.

At what point will I realize it is never in a million years about what I want?

It's all about what He wants for my life.

The only way I can be a better mom and wife is to be a better child of God....


Dying of self.
Living for Him.