22 January, 2013

God's Route

What if all along He had a different plan than we thought?

What if it was just to season us for a different, but yet maybe "normal" lifestyle?

What if we needed those 8 years for molding?

What if I just said let go and let God.....

If everything I am about to say comes across as a jumbled mess, well lets just say it is one.
These are thoughts and feelings swarming around in my head and I've tried for weeks, heck even months to put them in a post that made more sense, but I just couldn't.

I really don't think that many will understand, but maybe you will.
And if you do, please tell me.

As has been stated many a time before, I am a control freak.
Like; God I have no problem trusting you if you give me a heads up and let me plan first. I'll put my complete trust in you if you just make sure I have some earthly insurance.....
                                                                               *****
Before J re-enlisted the first time, I never saw myself as a longtime military wife. Heck, I never even saw myself as a military wife before J joined!
But for some reason when he re-enlisted and the months went by, before we moved to California, it all started to feel right to me. I felt that God was calling us to be a career military family and it felt right to fall in a role of being a "seasoned" military wife helping out the newbies.
I looked forward to every move and every new adventure that was around the corner. I had never been attached to my family by the umbilical cord so I had no problem going long periods of time without seeing them. I hated having my husband gone for deployments, but I thrived on how close it brought us together and loved watching the inner strength I never new I had, grow like crazy.
I thought I was designed to be the perfect Military Spouse.
I accepted the challenge and was ready for a lifetime of adventure.
I loved meeting new people and living in different places.
It was going to be painful at times, but it was going to be FUN!!

I will not take you down the road of the last three years, because most of you already know by posts in this blog, but we are now heading down a different path in just a few short weeks.

My husband is done.
He never had PTSD from a deployment, but I am starting to wonder if he has developed it from his time here at the regiment.
He lost every spark possible.
He made the decision that the Marine Corps was no longer going to be a part of our family.
If he had his way, every article, award, t-shirt, and even memory would be removed from our household.

SO here we are.
I accepted what I thought was God's plan for our life.
But it's not.
I am a hundred percent behind my husbands decision. ( I mean how can I not be when I see the hurt and pain in his eyes?!!)

But that doesn't take away the odd pain I have from leaving the military.
I had a plan.
"Oh you can still carry that out as a former Marine Corps wife."

Not really.

I know there will be a lot of well wishing, prayers and encouragement that will come from this, but I am just having a hard time explaining my emotions.

I feel like I am abandoning my post....

Please know I know God has a different plan that will be just as awesome for us. But if you think that will make me feel better at this point in time, than you truly don't understand my emotions.

So please pray for me.
I need reassurance that I can still be a blessing, as a civilian wife.......if that makes sense....





6 comments:

The Romer Family said...

Lots of prayers. I'm a bit of a control freak too, so it's hard for me to completely leave it up to Him without "earthly insurance", but when you have no other choice....it just works. For me...I struggle with the fact that I went from a life where I was someone and was recognized for it...now I feel like I just fall into my husbands shadow. Transitioning is tough, but there are small blessings that I get everyday as reminders from God that I'm still a somebody and it was the right choice for me. :)

Jen said...

Sending you lots of prayers during this time of transition. Hugs my dear friend.

Kathryn B said...

Sending you prayers to help you through this time. Keep your chin up!

Tami said...

I can't even imagine what you're going through! I have no doubt that God will take care of you and your family but that still doesn't make the unknown any easier! Hugs to you, girl! I will be praying!

Jenn said...

Before this most recent Korea decision came out, we were dealing with the EXACT same things. Exact. And it's so sad that the military can do that sometimes. Especially when good soldiers are just slipping through the cracks.. I obviously don't know the specifics of y'all's situation, but I am definitely praying for you and your husband and I can totally relate to the feelings of "but I'm not done yet, I have some more to offer.."

You will be a GREAT civilian wife and I'm sure you are set to meet some great lifelong friends that you might never have to leave! I can't imagine this is easy. I hope it all goes as smoothly as possible.

xo

Allison said...

I know I would feel this exact way if we decided to get out. I've wrestled with these emotions before, when we had to decide to stay in after the deployment.

The military isn't just a job, it's a lifestyle. And after living it, it's hard to imagine living any other way.

You are a great wife- military OR civilian! And no one can take what you've had/done away from you. You are still great!