16 October, 2013

Life is

CRAZY!!!!

Foot/leg situation: Worse. I will be going in to see a 5th doctor/3rd specialist next week. Just keep praying for answers and for funds for all these appointments.

Living situation: We moved last weekend. I know, crazy huh?!
Anyway, it's not the greatest of houses, but it's our own place for now until God takes us somewhere else later.

Everything else: still crazy.
We won't have Internet for awhile. My husband is working crazy long days, so I don't have anyone around to do the heavy lifting to get the house set up. But hey, that gives the kids and I an excuse to curl up and watch movies on these perfect fall days.

I don't know exactly when I'll be back, but you can always follow me on Facebook or my instagram (marinewife1111) to keep up to date.

Hope all is well blog friends!

07 October, 2013

Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes...


I have been delaying writing this post because I was hoping for answers.

I still don't really have any.

So I guess I should just explain what's been going on with my health...

****
I started feeling funky after we moved here. Like constant severe body aches and pains.
My hips were the worst.

Part of me tried to ignore it, but it got worse. I attributed it to the major climate change and depression from our circumstances.
About mid April I started working out really hard on the treadmill with the hope of maybe working it away. (If that makes sense.)

By June, my left hip was ridiculous and it was affecting my hamstring and the severe body aches had gotten worse.

In July I started having really bad pain in my left foot when I took steps.

On August 15th, after a long day of running errands and working outside, I noticed a weird lump on the top of my left foot.
36 hours later my ankle was twice the size:

It didn't get better.

We didn't have medical coverage until almost 3 weeks later.
So after talking to people and conferring with a physical therapist friend of mine, we came to the conclusion that it was plantar fasciitis and we started treating it as such.

It got worse.
The swelling started to spread into my leg.
I lost most of the blood flow to my second toe to the point that it's permanently red, swollen and hard. The nail doesn't even hardly grow anymore.

I finally was able to make my first doctors appointment and the Dr took x-rays, (mind you, my foot was even more swollen than the above picture.)
He looked at the x-rays, didn't listen to any of my other complaints, said it was indeed plantar fasciitis, gave me a prescription for an anti-inflammatory and sent me out the door. He said I'd be better in no time.

Everyone that saw me limp, saw my foot, leg and the pain I was in, thought he was crazy.

After 3 days, I started having severe pain in my lower back, and my hip. If I sat down, I started having sharp pains in my upper leg that radiated all the way down to my foot, whether I was sitting, walking or standing.

We gave it another week and half and I immediately got a second opinion.

The new dr took one look at my foot, listened to my complaints, and said there was no way I had plantar fasciitis and I informed me I also had a dislocated hip.

Something was wrong.

(well duh)

She put in a request for an MRI.

Hallelujah, someone was listening.

And then my insurance company denied it.

Yep denied it.

They said I hadn't had 6 weeks of physical therapy yet. (well yeah, how do you send someone to PT when you don't know what they have.)

So after waiting another two weeks for a PT appointment, I went in last week.

Mind you my foot doesn't even look like the above picture anymore. The swelling is still there, but now my toes are disfigured because of the lost of blood flow to the second toe and there is massive swelling all over my foot and up my leg, not just the ankle. It is all inflamed and red most of the time.
The only time I am not in severe pain in my leg, is when I am lying down.
Sitting is the worst.
I can't use crutches because my right hip is almost ready to give out and my left hip feels like someone punched me repeatedly.

The physical therapist looked over my medical record, listened to my story, checked my hips, leg and foot and said there is no way he was treating me.

He thinks I have some major neurovascular problems, muscle damage and somewhere along the way he thinks I partially tore my hamstring. (On top of everything else.)

I am now awaiting the second request for an MRI...

Prayers would be so appreciated. I just want some answers and relief. I am not allowed to take any pain meds because of the anti-inflammatories I am on.

He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem. Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. -Isaiah 53:3-4

26 September, 2013

Heart Of Worship

"The Heart Of Worship"

When the music fades
and all has slipped away
and I simply come.
Longing just to be
something that's of worth
that will bless Your heart.

I'll bring You more than a song,
for a song in itself
is not what You have required.
You search much deeper within,
through the way things appear,
Your looking into my heart.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
and its all about You, its all about You, Jesus.
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
when its all about You, its all about You, Jesus.

King of endless worth,
no one could express
how much you deserve.
Though I'm weak and poor,
all I have is Yours,
every single breath!

I'll bring You more than a song,
for a song in itself
is not what You have required.
You search much deeper within,
through the way things appear,
Your looking into my heart.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
and its all about You, its all about You, Jesus.
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
when its all about You, its all about You, Jesus.
(Matt Redman)

"I'm sorry" if this blog has turned way too "spiritual" for any of you recently, but I can no longer live by what I want for my life.
It's got to be about Him and Him only.
It's all I've got right now.
All the other garbage has got to be cleared out in order for me to function.

12 September, 2013

That's what the storm is all about.

I have been struggling a lot this last week.
I am not doing a great job of listening to my own advice and I'm letting our circumstances weigh me down.
I also have a new respect for people who deal with chronic pain and yet are always positive and encouraging. I don't know how they do it, even when they have the constant reminder of pain.

Maybe I'm just a wuss...

Anyway, I don't need to go into all the whiny details again, because most of it is stuff I've shared before, but this past Tuesday was a super tough day. We had just gotten some more bad news, the pain in my leg and foot were almost unbearable, and I was extremely depressed and discouraged.
I tried not to let anyone in the public world know, but then out of the blue, a dear friend from our time in South Carolina, just randomly posted this on my wall:



I broke down and we messaged back and forth for a bit.

She hadn't known that I was struggling majorly that day, but God knew and He put it on her heart to share this, and a few other things with me, at that exact moment.

God knows...

I've spent the last 2 days, (and nights,) in a constant battle of giving it all to God, only to take it back again when the worry anxiety, depression, anger and so much more slowly crept back in.

And then repeat.

Satan is trying so hard to win this battle and is trying desperately to win battles in so many of my friend's lives, but he will not.


 And even though it might be a really long and hard battle;


I know what's in store when the storm's over....


Note: If you are nosy like me, and would like detailed info on what to pray about, feel free to email me. It's just not all stuff I want to share publicly...

11 September, 2013

It takes three

9 years ago today; I woke up, waited for my "not really" fiance to get off is night shift for a tow company, and then went to a Marine Corps recruit moto day with him.

Why am I telling you this?
Why did he get permission to let me come on his moto day?

Because it was the day we chose to get married, the Marine Corps was already controlling our lives, and he hadn't even gone to boot camp.
My plans to get married at a certain time of day were thrown out the window and we told the small group of family and friends that we invited to our wedding, that we had no idea when we'd be back and to be ready to start the ceremony whenever we got back.

Yes that was our day.

And no it hasn't been roses and smooth sailing ever since. (No matter what people think.)

We fight.
About money.
About my control issues.
About his bad habits.
About how we deal with the kids.
About helping around the house.
About extended family.

I have cried my eyes out, he has walked away and we've both slammed doors, (ok maybe I mostly have done the door slamming.)

But you know what?
He isn't perfect
and I am not either.

Marriage teaches us about our relationship with God.
It's the closest example there is.

About how we constantly have to ask forgiveness and get on our knees in prayer.

It's hard.
But so is life.

And parenting.
And trust
And dying of self.

And that's IT right there.
Dying of self. (There are those words again, they keep finding their way into my posts.)
How often do we do that?

This post is not suppose to be a downer,
it's suppose to be real.

How, in my opinion, every anniversary needs to be celebrated fully and treated as another reminder about what marriage is all about.

And the good news is,
I love him more now than I ever did before.
Which means I wouldn't trade all those tough times.

So Happy 9th Anniversary Mr R.
I wouldn't have it any other way!


05 September, 2013

A is for Apple


Age: 5
Favorite color: pink & purple
Favorite food: crackers (I have no idea why she said that.)

Favorite thing to do: color
Favorite subject: ABC's
Favorite movie: Peter Pan
Favorite thing about the first day: recess (yes, she is our child.)

I had a perfect spot picked out for 1st day of school pictures this morning and then about 15 minutes before it was time, we had rain and a thunderstorm come through. Oh well, at least we got some pictures.



Have a blast baby girl!!

04 September, 2013

Hope

Before I get on to my post, I want to thank each and every one of you that reached out after my last post.
I contemplated not sharing it, but I knew I had to.
It was more of a journal entry than a post to share with others.
I know some could take it the wrong way, but I needed to write it out.

I did NOT write it at the lowest point,
I wrote it after I had picked myself back up and had "sucked it up."


You see, so many people have this misconception, that because you are a Christian, everything is going to go your way. They take verses about God giving you the desires of your heart and they think that as long as they are saved, a "good" person and follow the Biblical rules, God's answer is always going to be in their favor.
"Well we prayed about it, so that must mean it's going to work out."
"Well we obeyed the Bible, never got in trouble in life, so God will grant us what we want."
"Well I prayed and believed so God will heal me."

Tell that to the family who just had to bury their young child taken so soon.
Did that mean they didn't pray hard enough?

Tell that to the young wife and mother who just found out she is dying of cancer.
Does that mean she didn't pray and believe hard enough?

All He wants is us focused on Him.
Dying of self.
Reaching others.

And if that means pain, heartache, low points and changing our dreams and desires to align with His, well than He is going to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

And as odd as all of that sounds,
It gives me hope.
It gives me hope that for every painful, heartbreaking, "why God" moment,
I am that much closer to being molded into the Christ follower He wants me to be.

And so I will suck it up.
I will pick myself back up.
I will persevere.
I will keep running. {And I don't even like to run.}

Because the prize is coming.
Just not when I want it and better than what I expected.

Hebrews 12:1-2

01 September, 2013

Sometimes you just have to suck it up.

Sometimes the good ones finish last.
Sometimes you just can't fix it.
Sometimes there is no point to something you go through, you just have to go through it.

Sometimes life just doesn't work or go any direction you want.
Sometimes even when you think you've reached all the low points you can handle, another one comes through and knocks you off your feet.

Sometimes you won't be saved in the nick of time.
Sometimes it just hurts to breath.
Sometimes the bad dream becomes a reality.

Sometimes the pain just won't go away.

Sometimes you just won't get better because the insurance didn't kick in in time.
Sometimes the person you love more than anyone in the entire world, hurts you more than you can imagine.

And Sometimes you just have to suck it up.

*****

Dying of self.
Living for Him.


*****

6 months ago today we left California.
There is no way in a million years someone could have told me it would be like this.

At what point will I realize it is never in a million years about what I want?

It's all about what He wants for my life.

The only way I can be a better mom and wife is to be a better child of God....

*****

Dying of self.
Living for Him.

26 August, 2013

Best Friend

Someone said something to me the other day that kind of bothered me and got me thinking about a subject I have a strong opinion about.
I am sure that once I state my opinion, I am going to offend a bunch of people, 

but I strongly believe that you should raise your children to be the best spouse they can be.

What do I mean by that exactly?

When I discussed with someone, our decision concerning our daughter's schooling, the person said, don't worry, she'll always be your best friend.

I kept my mouth shut at the time, because I know this person would have been extremely offended if I disagreed;

But I don't always want to be my children's best friend....

I would love to be their first true friend,

Someone they can always confide in about anything,
The person they can call if they need to talk about anything.
The person they can rely on at any second of their life.

But I don't want to be their best friend.

I want to raise them to look for a spouse that will claim that title for the rest of their lives.

I want to raise them to find a Godly spouse that gets it.

I want to raise them to look for that spouse that will always be there for them,

that they'll want to call first when something special happens, 
that they'll want with them at all the special moments of their lives.
 

And I want to raise them to find a spouse that sees them as their true best friend.

Can they always call and ask my opinion?
Do I want to be able to be at all their very special moments in their lives?


Absolutely.


But I want to raise them to put their spouse FIRST before their parents.

And I am perfectly ok with that.

 

"That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife 
and they become one flesh."
~Genesis 2:24

23 August, 2013

That moment when you blink


"God decided I needed some more insight on myself so 
He decided to send a little mini me to earth, to mirror all my faults
 and to help me focus on the little things."  
~MER


We made our decision about schooling for our daughter.
All in all, I feel that we are doing what we're suppose to do, and for the most part,
I am ok with it.


But I don't know if I am ready for it.

What if,

This happens?

Or this happens?

Or worse, this happens?

I think when your children are young, it's so much easier to play the parent. Times might be tough, but you are the only influence they have in life and you don't have to let them out from under your wing.

I can count on less than two hands how many times my daughter has been out of my sight.

But I have to let her out of the nest.
I have to trust and let her go.

I guess I know it's just the fast track from here and then I'll blink and we'll be planning her high school graduation and sometime later, (like 15 years later,) her, "sigh," wedding....

But the new shiny fairy princess back pack is hanging on her door knob.

The school supplies are checked off and waiting to find their home at the brick building around the corner.

She looks up at me, when asked if she is excited, and she answers yes with a big smile on her face.

"But will you be there with me?"

"No,
But I will be back to pick you up after you have fun meeting a lot of friends and listening to your teacher."

"Ok"

And off she runs.

And all I see is this:



Don't blink young moms...


21 August, 2013

Sometimes you'll hear crickets

I think I should change my blog name to the title of this post.

Ok not really,
but I like that line.

First, before I start rambling, I want to thank everyone for your sweet comments on my last post. For some reason, that was a popular post and I guess I was expecting a different outcome.
I guess I was expecting more people to tell me their opinion on what we should do, and instead I just got a ton support and encouragement. Thank you all so much!
And a big thank you to my friend who is constantly reminding me that I have a blog and I need to give it some love once in awhile!

On to other news, I haven't really updated in awhile....

After three months of applying constantly, my husband finally found a part time job with a delivery company at the beginning of June. It was at a moment when we couldn't have gotten much lower and I thank God for His timing even if it wasn't mine.

Unfortunately I forgot to tell a lot of people.
So when I recently put up this status on facebook:
 
"Is it wrong that I want to tell companies to only ship their items to me by a certain company, just by chance I get to see a really cute guy deliver to me??? ;)"

I was taken the wrong way. oops lol...


Now we are starting the long tedious process of finding a place to live, closer to his work, and in our budget.
And it's not easy.
I find myself banging my head on the wall or getting frustrated all the time, when I know I need to just leave it in God's hands. The right house will come at the right time.

SO how are things?
Do I feel at home yet?
Do I still miss the military?
Are you still where you were a
few months ago?
Are any of you really asking these questions? ;)

No, I do not feel at home. Even those as Christians we are not suppose to have treasures here on earth or want things of this world, I miss our things.
I miss my many photographs that I use to decorate our home, I miss our sports memorabilia, I miss the scents of our scentsy's (no pun intended) as they float throughout the house. I even miss my pots and pans for goodness sake.

I will always miss the military and the people we met along the way. For instance, I sent out an update to our close family and friends, and a majority of people that replied back with all the love and encouragement in the world, were either military wives or people we met as a result of being a military family. You can't take that away.

But in the last month, we attended two family weddings that we wouldn't have been able to attend.
My kids met two sets of great grandparents and numerous aunts and uncles.
There is always something to be thankful for.

So here I sit, an injury to my left foot.

Pounds heavier than I should be.
Sick of saying "when we move" or "when we get our own home."
Wanting so badly to find a home church to plug in to.
Sick of telling God how I want it.


I just want

Patience.....


source

07 August, 2013

To School (at home) Or Not To School (at home)

....That is the Question.

I told you all last year that I was experimenting with home schooling Turtle for preschool.
We got a home school room all set up.
Cruised along pretty well for 3 months.
Went through learning to print all the abc's, number's, shapes;
All the basics.
Craft time with learning to properly use scissors and glue and all the fun stuff.
We even started reading lessons.
And then we got bored.
And then we started to pack.
And then we moved and all our fun home school stuff was packed away.
And we just couldn't get it going again.

Honestly, I have been struggling a lot this last year on what to do for Kindergarten this fall. Praying continuously that God would show me/us what to do.

I want to be that great mom who home schools and comes up with all these great ideas all year long, but I struggle greatly in that area.

I want to keep her under my watchful eye forever. But I have to release her at some point.
Our daughter THRIVES around other children. She is such a people person and loves to be in group situations.
But she is so impressionable.

And then we add the complications of our temporary living situation...

All of our home school stuff is still packed, including our printer. (A big deal in the home school world.)

If we start her in school here, we will have to pull her out when we move further south and she'll have to get used to a whole new school soon after getting use to doing the whole school thing for the first time.

Oh the joys of parenting. Always wanting to do the best thing for your children all while trying to figure out what that is....

Also in case anyone is wondering, because we missed Kindergarten registration up here, we have a week and half left before we even have to make a final decision.

 On an end note, here are a few pictures from our home school preschool year:
 















30 July, 2013

You get pictures

Every time I log in to my dashboard I hope I can get some reading done on your blogs.
And every time I do, I get overwhelmed at how far behind I am, and end up giving up.
Because no matter how many times I am told, "it's ok, you all understand," I know it's not a very good follower of me.

And because I am still just a floater in the wind, today I make an appearance to show you pictures from my brother in law's wedding this past weekend.
We made a super quick trip down to Lincoln City, OR for their special day.
I didn't take many pictures and in fact, only had my phone for the actual ceremony, but here are few of the kids at the beach and then the reception.






The Reception:

My Father in law, (far right) with his brothers and Father.

The happy couple:

First dance:

Our nephew:

 Monkey:

Bubble war:

Enjoying the after dinner view:

Josh, his brother and the rest of the boys celebrating:

Even the photographer celebrated too! ;)


 Our fam:

 Congratulations D & C!!!!

16 July, 2013

There is a season

It's been awhile.
For a moment, I thought I was getting back into this blog thing, but then a few tough things hit and I just don't like to write when I'm down.
The world is going through so many tough struggles of it's own, it doesn't need to add my meaningless ones to it.

We are here.
We are getting by.
I don't know why, but I am still struggling with Josh being out of the military.
 

It's not the income part of it, it's not the healthcare part of it,

It's the people part of it.


It's the pride part of it.

I miss it.

And while I should be sharing the adventures of our summer thus far; birthday parties, VBS, fire truck "field trips" and so much more.

I still just feel melancholy.

And I hope you understand just a little.

For those that have gotten out and had no problem looking forward and putting the military past behind, kudos to you.

I am not one of you.

Don't get me wrong, there are good moments.
And it's so nice to not have to fear that phone call that reveals a deployment.

But it's still going to take a little bit.

Maybe when we have a home and the boxes are unpacked.
 

Maybe...

source
Thank you for being patient with me.