09 April, 2011

Let me paint you a picture

**Editors note: most of my military readers have experienced their own events that make up a similar picture. This is mostly for the civilian readers who can't fathom the life we live or grasp what we go through.

Yesterday, (Friday) my hubby finally had off to spend one last day with his family before leaving. We spent it like we normally would a Saturday, running errands, doing chores, and hubby playing video games. This is how HE likes it. He doesn't like to stray from the norm when he is about to leave, because it allows him to think about the task ahead too much.
In a way this bothers me because I wish time would just stand still and we would do nothing but hold each other.
(haha in a dream world.)
But I know its best because it keeps me from losing my cool and helps me continue to function properly.

I had really been doing well at keeping my emotions in check. The only emotion that kept coming up was anger for how this whole situation came about.
So I went through the day focused on the time we spent with him and making sure last minute stuff was in order.
Our daughter's bed time rolled around and we went upstairs to get her ready. I grabbed the video camera to capture one last Daddy reading moment and J chose the book:
"Daddy and Me."

FAIL.......me.......big time.

The tears came as he read one last time to the kids. It was my turn to pray so J took Monkey downstairs and I went and sat next to my daughter's bed. The words didn't come as I sat there with tears rolling down my face. She didn't seem to mind as she patted my head and then asked if I needed a tissue. I smiled and said no and then choked out a quick prayer and said good night.
I composed myself before going downstairs because I still needed to be strong for my husband.

Time ticked away and we put our son to bed and got last minute things ready to go. Normally I am good for staying up on the weekends while my husband plays video games but last night I kept falling asleep on the couch. It was like I was telling myself it was just like any other night and he would soon turn off the tv and we head up to bed. Finally it was time for him to shower and get ready to go.
At 130 in the morning we went upstairs to pull our little Monkey, who was sleeping in Frog pajamas and our Turtle who was in monkey pajamas, out of bed and put them in the car. Turtle was kind of half asleep until J carried her out to the car and then she immediately went all bright eyed and started talking away. Monkey just smiled at me and dozed off and on.

The time had come.

Fittingly the rain was coming down which made me nervous about driving back home when we were done. It was a windy, hilly trek and the temperature was at a unseasonably cold 39 degrees.
But that really was at the back of mind.

We didn't even hit the first stop sign before I let it all go. I spent the next 40 minutes crying, praying and arguing with God.
Thankfully even though Turtle was wide awake she kept silent for the most part.
J and I were both silent with our thoughts as I went through tissue after tissue. He spoke up once to tell me to be extra careful driving in a dangerous hilly area.
I choked out ok.
We finally arrived at the armory and I knew I needed to gain my composure for him and the other handful of people standing around.

{I hate goodbyes}

They unloaded his 5 million bags and I just stood next to the car silently screaming for this to all be a dream.
Turtle was in her booster asking for me to undue her straps. I mostly ignored her as I was mentally preparing for the moment to come.

He walked over to the car one last time and I could see the pain in his eyes.

We said I love you and he took me into an extra tight hug and then kissed my forehead before letting me go. {He only kisses my forehead when he's leaving and coming home, it makes me cry more.}

I immediately jump into the car because I can no longer contain the tears running down my face and I can't drag this out .

But its not just me anymore.

He opens the door on our daughters side and gives her a big hug and kiss and says goodbye. She gets mad and starts screaming because she knows she will not be able to get out of the car.
This makes me cry harder.

He then goes around to our sons side, who is half awake and grinning at his Daddy. J kisses him goodbye and says its up to him to be the man of the house now while he's gone.

I have now lost it completely.

One more I love you look from my husband through the windshield and then he walks away.

Dear God, please dry my eyes so I can see to drive home.

  
16 This is what the LORD says: 
“Restrain your voice from weeping 
and your eyes from tears, 
for your work will be rewarded,” 
declares the LORD. 
... “They will return from the land of the enemy. -Jeremiah 31:16

6 comments:

  1. I am so so sorry... you are a brave, strong woman... I wish there was something I could do to help!

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  2. Thank you sweetheart for telling it like it is. Although it is very tearful to read, it puts it into perspective for the rest of us.
    Please convey to Josh how much we love him and support him with our prayers.
    Just cling to your blessed Savior, my dear and he will give you comfort knowing He alone can comfort like none of us can.
    Love you all soo much.
    MOM

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  3. Although painful for you to tell ..this is a fitting tribute to your Husband & to Your GOD.
    Thank you for sharing.

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  4. You are definitely a strong woman, praying for you!

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  5. Wow, what a hard time. Thank you for sharing your story. As a civilian I am in awe of the strength it takes to be a military wife and balance honest emotions with outside composure. I pray the next 6 months go quickly and smoothly for you and your sweet family.

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Comments make my heart smile. :D