23 April, 2014

Where We Are

SO many changes in blog land.

People that were announcing pregnancies are now welcoming their new little bundles.
People that had babies now have almost toddlers.
Military spouses that just welcomed their loved one back, are now preparing for the "d" word that is on the horizon again.
So many lives continued to be lived "without me" these last few (kinda more than a few,) months.

I am just so happy to have my finger tips hitting the keys on my laptop. :D

A few nights after we got the internet back, I spent a whole evening reading back through some posts of the last year to gear me up for blog re-immersion.
And you know what I got out of it?

Smiles and a LOT of tears.
You know why?


I have a good amount of faithful readers that encourage me to the core.
Thank you so much for your comments.

And how are we?

We are here.

I have contemplated how I was going to start back into posting.
I wrote in a journal a lot during my time "unplugged," but I didn't want my posts to go back.

I want to go forward.
If you are new here and would like a glimpse of our lives the past year, I welcome you to check out here, here, and here to get you started. There weren't many posts on The Life After in 2013, but the few that made it to publish, were emotionally jam packed.

Josh started back to work March 10th; 3 and half months after the accident. He still has a lot of pain and has been told he probably will never be 100% again, but he is working and mobile and we are thankful.

Turtle is at the top of her class and loves school more than children should. Her teacher's only complaint, is that she worries about her classmates too much. I have no idea where she gets it from. ;)
Before January, she could barely read basic words like cat and hat, and is now reading early level chapter books. She shares her father's love of video games, still craves quality time and she just started t-ball practice last week, (more on that later.) :D

Monkey continues to be the child that keeps me on my toes. We butt heads all day long, but he'll be the first one to snuggle and need some extra lovin.
He takes after his sister in the brainiac department and thanks to her, will already be way ahead when I start preschool with him in the fall. If you ask him what his favorite movie is, he'll say Frozen. :)
I dread our grocery bill as he grows older.

And Me;

It's not all pretty. The pain is still here and so is the reality that there will likely never be healing.
Most days I don't let it get to me.

But some days the pity party sets in.
I don't want to be on medications that are tearing up my insides.
I want to be able to walk down to the mailbox.
I want to be able to walk to the park with my kids.
I want to be able to sit in church without either wriggling in pain from sitting or doubling up on the meds to make it bearable.
I don't want to be gaining weight just because I can't exercise it away.

I've given up on finding answers because it doesn't fix it.

I have learned I need sun.
I have started picking up the camera again.
I have nothing against Frozen, or Let It Go and will happily belt out the soundtrack with my children at any moment.
I love planting flowers and am thanking God that I currently have a yard to do as such.

And every day I go to sleep asking God to give me the strength to do it all again the next day.
Thanking Him for His
and forgiveness.

And that is where we are.

21 April, 2014

All Things New

What a perfect time to begin again.

So much to update you on. Most probably won't make it on the blog.
But that's ok.

Only moving forward.


Happy Easter, springtime, and family memories to you all.

Welcome back readers.
Welcome back.


09 January, 2014

Striving for

I miss this.
You have no idea how much I need to write.
And while I still am not able to blog yet, I need to get these thoughts and emotions off my chest.

2013 was brought in with major trepidation. And even though we were scared, we had no idea what was coming.

We thought we were strong enough...

I don't need to take you down memory lane for those first few months.

I don't need to remind you about all the stress and worry of the summer months.

I definitely don't need to share every detail about our painful fall and winter.

We are weak.

We knew we were weak when that first lump/swell spot showed up on my foot August 15th. (Even though we thought we were strong.)

We definitely knew we were more weak when my husband stepped out of his truck on November 22nd. Severely rolling his ankle and completely tearing all of the major ligaments in his foot. (But we thought we were even stronger.)

So as the realization hit that we didn't know how we were going to pay our bills, buy groceries and that Christmas presents were definitely out of the question, we discovered that we were NEVER strong.

We aren't suppose to be.


He is.

The more pain we are in, the more we need Him. The weaker we are, the more we rely on Him for His strength.

I am absolutely so so weak and yet, have never felt so blessed in my life and wouldn't trade a second ...

2014 was brought in with major trepidation. 

And yet my "resolutions" this year are:

To be weaker than ever. 

Constantly on my knees.

Never complacent. 

Striving for His will, not mine.

So here's to a God filled 2014

Love from the Ramer family.

16 October, 2013

Life is


Foot/leg situation: Worse. I will be going in to see a 5th doctor/3rd specialist next week. Just keep praying for answers and for funds for all these appointments.

Living situation: We moved last weekend. I know, crazy huh?!
Anyway, it's not the greatest of houses, but it's our own place for now until God takes us somewhere else later.

Everything else: still crazy.
We won't have Internet for awhile. My husband is working crazy long days, so I don't have anyone around to do the heavy lifting to get the house set up. But hey, that gives the kids and I an excuse to curl up and watch movies on these perfect fall days.

I don't know exactly when I'll be back, but you can always follow me on Facebook or my instagram (marinewife1111) to keep up to date.

Hope all is well blog friends!

07 October, 2013

Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes...

I have been delaying writing this post because I was hoping for answers.

I still don't really have any.

So I guess I should just explain what's been going on with my health...

I started feeling funky after we moved here. Like constant severe body aches and pains.
My hips were the worst.

Part of me tried to ignore it, but it got worse. I attributed it to the major climate change and depression from our circumstances.
About mid April I started working out really hard on the treadmill with the hope of maybe working it away. (If that makes sense.)

By June, my left hip was ridiculous and it was affecting my hamstring and the severe body aches had gotten worse.

In July I started having really bad pain in my left foot when I took steps.

On August 15th, after a long day of running errands and working outside, I noticed a weird lump on the top of my left foot.
36 hours later my ankle was twice the size:

It didn't get better.

We didn't have medical coverage until almost 3 weeks later.
So after talking to people and conferring with a physical therapist friend of mine, we came to the conclusion that it was plantar fasciitis and we started treating it as such.

It got worse.
The swelling started to spread into my leg.
I lost most of the blood flow to my second toe to the point that it's permanently red, swollen and hard. The nail doesn't even hardly grow anymore.

I finally was able to make my first doctors appointment and the Dr took x-rays, (mind you, my foot was even more swollen than the above picture.)
He looked at the x-rays, didn't listen to any of my other complaints, said it was indeed plantar fasciitis, gave me a prescription for an anti-inflammatory and sent me out the door. He said I'd be better in no time.

Everyone that saw me limp, saw my foot, leg and the pain I was in, thought he was crazy.

After 3 days, I started having severe pain in my lower back, and my hip. If I sat down, I started having sharp pains in my upper leg that radiated all the way down to my foot, whether I was sitting, walking or standing.

We gave it another week and half and I immediately got a second opinion.

The new dr took one look at my foot, listened to my complaints, and said there was no way I had plantar fasciitis and I informed me I also had a dislocated hip.

Something was wrong.

(well duh)

She put in a request for an MRI.

Hallelujah, someone was listening.

And then my insurance company denied it.

Yep denied it.

They said I hadn't had 6 weeks of physical therapy yet. (well yeah, how do you send someone to PT when you don't know what they have.)

So after waiting another two weeks for a PT appointment, I went in last week.

Mind you my foot doesn't even look like the above picture anymore. The swelling is still there, but now my toes are disfigured because of the lost of blood flow to the second toe and there is massive swelling all over my foot and up my leg, not just the ankle. It is all inflamed and red most of the time.
The only time I am not in severe pain in my leg, is when I am lying down.
Sitting is the worst.
I can't use crutches because my right hip is almost ready to give out and my left hip feels like someone punched me repeatedly.

The physical therapist looked over my medical record, listened to my story, checked my hips, leg and foot and said there is no way he was treating me.

He thinks I have some major neurovascular problems, muscle damage and somewhere along the way he thinks I partially tore my hamstring. (On top of everything else.)

I am now awaiting the second request for an MRI...

Prayers would be so appreciated. I just want some answers and relief. I am not allowed to take any pain meds because of the anti-inflammatories I am on.

He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem. Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. -Isaiah 53:3-4

26 September, 2013

Heart Of Worship

"The Heart Of Worship"

When the music fades
and all has slipped away
and I simply come.
Longing just to be
something that's of worth
that will bless Your heart.

I'll bring You more than a song,
for a song in itself
is not what You have required.
You search much deeper within,
through the way things appear,
Your looking into my heart.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
and its all about You, its all about You, Jesus.
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
when its all about You, its all about You, Jesus.

King of endless worth,
no one could express
how much you deserve.
Though I'm weak and poor,
all I have is Yours,
every single breath!

I'll bring You more than a song,
for a song in itself
is not what You have required.
You search much deeper within,
through the way things appear,
Your looking into my heart.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
and its all about You, its all about You, Jesus.
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
when its all about You, its all about You, Jesus.
(Matt Redman)

"I'm sorry" if this blog has turned way too "spiritual" for any of you recently, but I can no longer live by what I want for my life.
It's got to be about Him and Him only.
It's all I've got right now.
All the other garbage has got to be cleared out in order for me to function.

12 September, 2013

That's what the storm is all about.

I have been struggling a lot this last week.
I am not doing a great job of listening to my own advice and I'm letting our circumstances weigh me down.
I also have a new respect for people who deal with chronic pain and yet are always positive and encouraging. I don't know how they do it, even when they have the constant reminder of pain.

Maybe I'm just a wuss...

Anyway, I don't need to go into all the whiny details again, because most of it is stuff I've shared before, but this past Tuesday was a super tough day. We had just gotten some more bad news, the pain in my leg and foot were almost unbearable, and I was extremely depressed and discouraged.
I tried not to let anyone in the public world know, but then out of the blue, a dear friend from our time in South Carolina, just randomly posted this on my wall:

I broke down and we messaged back and forth for a bit.

She hadn't known that I was struggling majorly that day, but God knew and He put it on her heart to share this, and a few other things with me, at that exact moment.

God knows...

I've spent the last 2 days, (and nights,) in a constant battle of giving it all to God, only to take it back again when the worry anxiety, depression, anger and so much more slowly crept back in.

And then repeat.

Satan is trying so hard to win this battle and is trying desperately to win battles in so many of my friend's lives, but he will not.

 And even though it might be a really long and hard battle;

I know what's in store when the storm's over....

Note: If you are nosy like me, and would like detailed info on what to pray about, feel free to email me. It's just not all stuff I want to share publicly...

11 September, 2013

It takes three

9 years ago today; I woke up, waited for my "not really" fiance to get off is night shift for a tow company, and then went to a Marine Corps recruit moto day with him.

Why am I telling you this?
Why did he get permission to let me come on his moto day?

Because it was the day we chose to get married, the Marine Corps was already controlling our lives, and he hadn't even gone to boot camp.
My plans to get married at a certain time of day were thrown out the window and we told the small group of family and friends that we invited to our wedding, that we had no idea when we'd be back and to be ready to start the ceremony whenever we got back.

Yes that was our day.

And no it hasn't been roses and smooth sailing ever since. (No matter what people think.)

We fight.
About money.
About my control issues.
About his bad habits.
About how we deal with the kids.
About helping around the house.
About extended family.

I have cried my eyes out, he has walked away and we've both slammed doors, (ok maybe I mostly have done the door slamming.)

But you know what?
He isn't perfect
and I am not either.

Marriage teaches us about our relationship with God.
It's the closest example there is.

About how we constantly have to ask forgiveness and get on our knees in prayer.

It's hard.
But so is life.

And parenting.
And trust
And dying of self.

And that's IT right there.
Dying of self. (There are those words again, they keep finding their way into my posts.)
How often do we do that?

This post is not suppose to be a downer,
it's suppose to be real.

How, in my opinion, every anniversary needs to be celebrated fully and treated as another reminder about what marriage is all about.

And the good news is,
I love him more now than I ever did before.
Which means I wouldn't trade all those tough times.

So Happy 9th Anniversary Mr R.
I wouldn't have it any other way!