09 January, 2014

Striving for

I miss this.
You have no idea how much I need to write.
And while I still am not able to blog yet, I need to get these thoughts and emotions off my chest.

2013 was brought in with major trepidation. And even though we were scared, we had no idea what was coming.

We thought we were strong enough...

I don't need to take you down memory lane for those first few months.

I don't need to remind you about all the stress and worry of the summer months.

I definitely don't need to share every detail about our painful fall and winter.

We are weak.

We knew we were weak when that first lump/swell spot showed up on my foot August 15th. (Even though we thought we were strong.)

We definitely knew we were more weak when my husband stepped out of his truck on November 22nd. Severely rolling his ankle and completely tearing all of the major ligaments in his foot. (But we thought we were even stronger.)

So as the realization hit that we didn't know how we were going to pay our bills, buy groceries and that Christmas presents were definitely out of the question, we discovered that we were NEVER strong.

We aren't suppose to be.

EVER

He is.

The more pain we are in, the more we need Him. The weaker we are, the more we rely on Him for His strength.

I am absolutely so so weak and yet, have never felt so blessed in my life and wouldn't trade a second ...

2014 was brought in with major trepidation. 

And yet my "resolutions" this year are:

To be weaker than ever. 

Constantly on my knees.

Never complacent. 

Striving for His will, not mine.


So here's to a God filled 2014

Love from the Ramer family.

16 October, 2013

Life is

CRAZY!!!!

Foot/leg situation: Worse. I will be going in to see a 5th doctor/3rd specialist next week. Just keep praying for answers and for funds for all these appointments.

Living situation: We moved last weekend. I know, crazy huh?!
Anyway, it's not the greatest of houses, but it's our own place for now until God takes us somewhere else later.

Everything else: still crazy.
We won't have Internet for awhile. My husband is working crazy long days, so I don't have anyone around to do the heavy lifting to get the house set up. But hey, that gives the kids and I an excuse to curl up and watch movies on these perfect fall days.

I don't know exactly when I'll be back, but you can always follow me on Facebook or my instagram (marinewife1111) to keep up to date.

Hope all is well blog friends!

07 October, 2013

Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes...


I have been delaying writing this post because I was hoping for answers.

I still don't really have any.

So I guess I should just explain what's been going on with my health...

****
I started feeling funky after we moved here. Like constant severe body aches and pains.
My hips were the worst.

Part of me tried to ignore it, but it got worse. I attributed it to the major climate change and depression from our circumstances.
About mid April I started working out really hard on the treadmill with the hope of maybe working it away. (If that makes sense.)

By June, my left hip was ridiculous and it was affecting my hamstring and the severe body aches had gotten worse.

In July I started having really bad pain in my left foot when I took steps.

On August 15th, after a long day of running errands and working outside, I noticed a weird lump on the top of my left foot.
36 hours later my ankle was twice the size:

It didn't get better.

We didn't have medical coverage until almost 3 weeks later.
So after talking to people and conferring with a physical therapist friend of mine, we came to the conclusion that it was plantar fasciitis and we started treating it as such.

It got worse.
The swelling started to spread into my leg.
I lost most of the blood flow to my second toe to the point that it's permanently red, swollen and hard. The nail doesn't even hardly grow anymore.

I finally was able to make my first doctors appointment and the Dr took x-rays, (mind you, my foot was even more swollen than the above picture.)
He looked at the x-rays, didn't listen to any of my other complaints, said it was indeed plantar fasciitis, gave me a prescription for an anti-inflammatory and sent me out the door. He said I'd be better in no time.

Everyone that saw me limp, saw my foot, leg and the pain I was in, thought he was crazy.

After 3 days, I started having severe pain in my lower back, and my hip. If I sat down, I started having sharp pains in my upper leg that radiated all the way down to my foot, whether I was sitting, walking or standing.

We gave it another week and half and I immediately got a second opinion.

The new dr took one look at my foot, listened to my complaints, and said there was no way I had plantar fasciitis and I informed me I also had a dislocated hip.

Something was wrong.

(well duh)

She put in a request for an MRI.

Hallelujah, someone was listening.

And then my insurance company denied it.

Yep denied it.

They said I hadn't had 6 weeks of physical therapy yet. (well yeah, how do you send someone to PT when you don't know what they have.)

So after waiting another two weeks for a PT appointment, I went in last week.

Mind you my foot doesn't even look like the above picture anymore. The swelling is still there, but now my toes are disfigured because of the lost of blood flow to the second toe and there is massive swelling all over my foot and up my leg, not just the ankle. It is all inflamed and red most of the time.
The only time I am not in severe pain in my leg, is when I am lying down.
Sitting is the worst.
I can't use crutches because my right hip is almost ready to give out and my left hip feels like someone punched me repeatedly.

The physical therapist looked over my medical record, listened to my story, checked my hips, leg and foot and said there is no way he was treating me.

He thinks I have some major neurovascular problems, muscle damage and somewhere along the way he thinks I partially tore my hamstring. (On top of everything else.)

I am now awaiting the second request for an MRI...

Prayers would be so appreciated. I just want some answers and relief. I am not allowed to take any pain meds because of the anti-inflammatories I am on.

He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem. Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. -Isaiah 53:3-4

26 September, 2013

Heart Of Worship

"The Heart Of Worship"

When the music fades
and all has slipped away
and I simply come.
Longing just to be
something that's of worth
that will bless Your heart.

I'll bring You more than a song,
for a song in itself
is not what You have required.
You search much deeper within,
through the way things appear,
Your looking into my heart.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
and its all about You, its all about You, Jesus.
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
when its all about You, its all about You, Jesus.

King of endless worth,
no one could express
how much you deserve.
Though I'm weak and poor,
all I have is Yours,
every single breath!

I'll bring You more than a song,
for a song in itself
is not what You have required.
You search much deeper within,
through the way things appear,
Your looking into my heart.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
and its all about You, its all about You, Jesus.
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
when its all about You, its all about You, Jesus.
(Matt Redman)

"I'm sorry" if this blog has turned way too "spiritual" for any of you recently, but I can no longer live by what I want for my life.
It's got to be about Him and Him only.
It's all I've got right now.
All the other garbage has got to be cleared out in order for me to function.

12 September, 2013

That's what the storm is all about.

I have been struggling a lot this last week.
I am not doing a great job of listening to my own advice and I'm letting our circumstances weigh me down.
I also have a new respect for people who deal with chronic pain and yet are always positive and encouraging. I don't know how they do it, even when they have the constant reminder of pain.

Maybe I'm just a wuss...

Anyway, I don't need to go into all the whiny details again, because most of it is stuff I've shared before, but this past Tuesday was a super tough day. We had just gotten some more bad news, the pain in my leg and foot were almost unbearable, and I was extremely depressed and discouraged.
I tried not to let anyone in the public world know, but then out of the blue, a dear friend from our time in South Carolina, just randomly posted this on my wall:



I broke down and we messaged back and forth for a bit.

She hadn't known that I was struggling majorly that day, but God knew and He put it on her heart to share this, and a few other things with me, at that exact moment.

God knows...

I've spent the last 2 days, (and nights,) in a constant battle of giving it all to God, only to take it back again when the worry anxiety, depression, anger and so much more slowly crept back in.

And then repeat.

Satan is trying so hard to win this battle and is trying desperately to win battles in so many of my friend's lives, but he will not.


 And even though it might be a really long and hard battle;


I know what's in store when the storm's over....


Note: If you are nosy like me, and would like detailed info on what to pray about, feel free to email me. It's just not all stuff I want to share publicly...

11 September, 2013

It takes three

9 years ago today; I woke up, waited for my "not really" fiance to get off is night shift for a tow company, and then went to a Marine Corps recruit moto day with him.

Why am I telling you this?
Why did he get permission to let me come on his moto day?

Because it was the day we chose to get married, the Marine Corps was already controlling our lives, and he hadn't even gone to boot camp.
My plans to get married at a certain time of day were thrown out the window and we told the small group of family and friends that we invited to our wedding, that we had no idea when we'd be back and to be ready to start the ceremony whenever we got back.

Yes that was our day.

And no it hasn't been roses and smooth sailing ever since. (No matter what people think.)

We fight.
About money.
About my control issues.
About his bad habits.
About how we deal with the kids.
About helping around the house.
About extended family.

I have cried my eyes out, he has walked away and we've both slammed doors, (ok maybe I mostly have done the door slamming.)

But you know what?
He isn't perfect
and I am not either.

Marriage teaches us about our relationship with God.
It's the closest example there is.

About how we constantly have to ask forgiveness and get on our knees in prayer.

It's hard.
But so is life.

And parenting.
And trust
And dying of self.

And that's IT right there.
Dying of self. (There are those words again, they keep finding their way into my posts.)
How often do we do that?

This post is not suppose to be a downer,
it's suppose to be real.

How, in my opinion, every anniversary needs to be celebrated fully and treated as another reminder about what marriage is all about.

And the good news is,
I love him more now than I ever did before.
Which means I wouldn't trade all those tough times.

So Happy 9th Anniversary Mr R.
I wouldn't have it any other way!


05 September, 2013

A is for Apple


Age: 5
Favorite color: pink & purple
Favorite food: crackers (I have no idea why she said that.)

Favorite thing to do: color
Favorite subject: ABC's
Favorite movie: Peter Pan
Favorite thing about the first day: recess (yes, she is our child.)

I had a perfect spot picked out for 1st day of school pictures this morning and then about 15 minutes before it was time, we had rain and a thunderstorm come through. Oh well, at least we got some pictures.



Have a blast baby girl!!

04 September, 2013

Hope

Before I get on to my post, I want to thank each and every one of you that reached out after my last post.
I contemplated not sharing it, but I knew I had to.
It was more of a journal entry than a post to share with others.
I know some could take it the wrong way, but I needed to write it out.

I did NOT write it at the lowest point,
I wrote it after I had picked myself back up and had "sucked it up."


You see, so many people have this misconception, that because you are a Christian, everything is going to go your way. They take verses about God giving you the desires of your heart and they think that as long as they are saved, a "good" person and follow the Biblical rules, God's answer is always going to be in their favor.
"Well we prayed about it, so that must mean it's going to work out."
"Well we obeyed the Bible, never got in trouble in life, so God will grant us what we want."
"Well I prayed and believed so God will heal me."

Tell that to the family who just had to bury their young child taken so soon.
Did that mean they didn't pray hard enough?

Tell that to the young wife and mother who just found out she is dying of cancer.
Does that mean she didn't pray and believe hard enough?

All He wants is us focused on Him.
Dying of self.
Reaching others.

And if that means pain, heartache, low points and changing our dreams and desires to align with His, well than He is going to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

And as odd as all of that sounds,
It gives me hope.
It gives me hope that for every painful, heartbreaking, "why God" moment,
I am that much closer to being molded into the Christ follower He wants me to be.

And so I will suck it up.
I will pick myself back up.
I will persevere.
I will keep running. {And I don't even like to run.}

Because the prize is coming.
Just not when I want it and better than what I expected.

Hebrews 12:1-2